Oh Henry!
by TheatreGirl81
Summary: A play I am currently working on. A retelling of the Henry Tudor / Anne Boleyn saga, told as a modern day soap opera / sit com, complete with audience participation.


Oh, Henry!

Oh, Henry!

Written by Tia Glomb

2016

724.713.0997 tiaglomb

SCENE

This should be acted as a filming of a TV show, putting the historical figures into a modern setting. Actors and actresses should break the fourth wall and overact to cajole reactions from the audience. "LAUGH" and "APPLAUSE" etc. cards should either be held up by stage crew or projected at the appropriate times.

The living room of a wealthy family. A wingback chair, couch, and an end table. The classic portrait of Henry VIII should be displayed somewhere, if only in an 8x10 frame. If possible, projected on a backscreen as an overlarge piece of art. Entrance to the kitchen SR and hall to the bedrooms SL.

CHARACTERS

 **Henry** – Early 40's, dressed in an impeccable suit. He is commanding and boisterous, the star of the show. A successful businessman who runs a tight ship. He loves his wife, but is growing suspicious of her as of late. He has a wandering eye, but is being faithful to his marriage. At the moment.

 **Anne** – Mid 30's, wearing a functional, but practical dress. She is sharp of wit and sharp of tongue, and pretends to be happy running the domestic end of things. She loves Henry and is completely faithful to him, but despises his ex-wife and daughter.

 **Mary** – Henry's daughter, 17-18 years old, dressed modestly in all black. She wears a cross and a diamond bracelet. She loves her father but does not get along with Anne. Headstrong, she will take every opportunity to call out her new stepmother.

 **Voice Over** – A prerecorded voice

 **Intro music plays: "Greensleeves" (Pretty Instrumental Version)**

 **Lights up on ANNE, who is straightening the living room.**

VOICE OVER

"Oh Henry" is filmed before a live studio audience.

 **Anne is straightening the room. She adjust the picture frame, staring lovingly at it.**

Henry

 **(Entering from the bedroom.)** Anne, have you seen my cufflinks?

:: APPLAUSE ::

 **HENRY smiles and nods at the audience.**

ANNE

No, Henry. Where did you have them last?

HENRY

If I knew I wouldn't be asking. It just seems that as of late all my jewelry has gone missing.

ANNE

 **(Stalking around the room.)** Why don't you ask Katherine? She's been doing nothing but hoarding jewelry.

HENRY

Anne, that's not fair!

ANNE

Fine. Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe you left them at the office.

HENRY

Maybe. Anne, will you sit down? What are you doing, anyway?

ANNE

 **(Moves towards the chair.)** I'm trying to clean and organize this place, Henry.

 **HENRY nods and begins to pace. ANNE sits in the chair.**

ANNE

The maid called in sick today and I know how much you like the house clean, so I'm trying to-

HENRY

 **(Turns and balks.)** Anne! That's my chair!

 **Anne jumps up like something bit her.**

HENRY

If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, do not sit in my chair.

Anne

I'm sorry! I just... you told me to sit…

HENRY

 **(Talking over her)** You know I don't like anyone sitting in my chair. A man's home…

ANNE / HENRY

…is his castle.

HENRY

And that chair is like a throne.

ANNE

I thought that was the toilet.

:: LAUGHTER ::

ANNE

I am sorry about sitting in your chair. **(She hugs him.)** Forgive me?

HENRY

Only because I love you so much. **(He kisses her forehead)** But you really must stop losing your head if we're going to make this marriage work.

:: LAUGHTER ::

ANNE

Oh Henry!

:: APPLAUSE ::

ANNE

But why do you need your cufflinks? Where are you going on your day off?

HENRY

Nowhere. I just couldn't find them and I need them for work on Monday.

ANNE

Well I'm sure they'll turn up.

 **(Henry turns and studies the picture of himself.)**

ANNE

Henry…

HENRY

You know, this happens to be my favorite picture.

ANNE

Speaking of jewelry, can I ask you something? **(She sits on the couch.)**

HENRY

I look quite dashing in it, don't I?

ANNE

Of course, dear. I'm so glad we went to that Renaissance Faire last month.

HENRY

We should go again. I don't mind being treated like royalty.

:: LAUGHTER ::

HENRY

But what was it you were going to ask me? **(He sits.)**

ANNE

Well, it's just that… I was wondering if the lawyer made any headway with the possessions from your divorce. Has Katherine agreed to give back the diamonds yet?

HENRY

 **(Sighs in frustration.)** No, she hasn't. She's insisting they're hers and that she has every right to them. I think she wants to leave them to Mary.

ANNE

Leave them to that ungrateful little brat?

HENRY

That's my daughter you're talking about, Anne. Besides, do you really want to wear Katherine's diamonds?

ANNE

That's not the point, Henry! She agreed to give you back certain things, and by god she does not need those baubles. And what about…

HENRY

And speaking of my daughter…

ANNE

What about your little princess?

HENRY

She's coming over for dinner tonight.

ANNE

 **(Jumping to her feet.)** Henry! I need more warning than this! I'm not prepared at all.

HENRY

So set an extra place, it's not that difficult, woman.

ANNE

You don't understand, do you? **(Sinks back down.)** I'll have to go out to the store. I don't think there's enough of anything to cook for three of us.

HENRY

Weren't you just at the store yesterday?

ANNE

Yes. But I was getting paper products, not food.

HENRY

You've been going out a lot.

ANNE

So what?

HENRY

You tell me. You've been spending a lot of time with your friends lately.

ANNE

What's wrong with having friends?

HENRY

Nothing, if they're women.

 **(There is a stare down.)**

ANNE

I can't believe you think… I'm a married woman, Henry. I am not seeing other men. Besides, if you really thought that, that I would not be completely faithful to our vows, why did you marry me?

HENRY

Because of the baby.

ANNE

No doubt. Look, Henry…

HENRY

And because I love you. I do. I just don't want there to be any secrets between us, that's all.

ANNE

There aren't. I promise. Please stop being paranoid.

HENRY

I just don't want another broken marriage. It's hard on the children. And on me.

ANNE

 **(Decides it's best to relent.)** I love you.

HENRY

And I love you. **(He kisses her.)**

:: AWWWWW ::

HENRY

Anne?

ANNE

Yes?

HENRY

Since you're going out…

ANNE

Yes…

HENRY

…could you pick me up a few of my favorite chocolate bars, please?

ANNE

Oh Henry!

:: APPLAUSE ::

HENRY

And Anne, make sure you get the king sized bars this time.

:: LAUGHTER ::

ANNE

Yes, dear. But, I need to go and get back. What time is Mary coming?

HENRY

Six.

ANNE

I should have known! It's always six in the end.

:: LAUGHTER ::

ANNE

 **(Gets up)** I should go then. I'll be back later. Will you be alright while I'm gone?

HENRY

I'll watch my stories.

ANNE

And which ones are on today, pray tell?

HENRY

"One Wife Will Live" and "The Young and the Headless."

:: LAUGHTER ::

 **ANNE exits through the kitchen, blowing HENRY a kiss. Presumably, she leaves via the back door. HENRY gets up and sneaks over, listening for her to go. Crossing the room, he pulls a bag of mini chocolate bars out from behind a couch cushion. He holds one up.**

:: Oh, Henry! ::

 **Lights to half.**

VOICE OVER

"Oh Henry" is brought to you by the candy bar of the same name, which we can't actually mention by name because of trademark laws. Pick some up at your local supermarket today.

 **Lights to black. HENRY moves to his chair. ANNE and MARY take their spots on opposite sides of the couch. Lights up to full. MARY is holding one wrist, hiding what she is wearing. There is palpable tension.**

HENRY

See? Isn't this nice?

MARY

Yes, nice. I love coming over here to see you, Father.

ANNE

And me?

MARY

So, where's little Elizabeth?

ANNE

She's with my parents.

MARY

Of course she is. **(Sweetly.)** Father, are you sure the Boleyns are good role models for your daughter?

HENRY

Why wouldn't they be?

MARY

I'd hate to say anything bad about Anne's family…

HENRY

She's your stepmother, you should call her mom.

ANNE

She can call me whatever she wants, as long as it isn't mom.

MARY

Don't give me that much leeway, Anne. **(She leans back into the cushion, rustling whatever is behind it. She pulls out the bag of candy.)**

ANNE / MARY

Oh, Henry!

:: LAUGHTER ::

HENRY

Give those here, Mary.

 **MARY tosses HENRY the bag.**

ANNE

Why did you have me buy more when you still have a bag?

HENRY

I don't have to justify myself to you. Katherine never questioned my sweet tooth.

ANNE

Or your wandering eye?

MARY

Says the woman who broke up my parents' marriage.

HENRY

And how is Katherine?

MARY

She's struggling to get by on the remnants you left in her bank account after you divorced her for this immoral hussy.

HENRY

That's not how you should be talking to your stepmother, Mary.

MARY

I refuse to call another woman 'mother'. Mark me, Anne: Someone else will come along and steal your thunder just like you did my mother's. **(She gestures at ANNE to drive home her point.)**

HENRY

Mary…

ANNE

What's that you're wearing?

MARY

Nothing…

ANNE

It looks like my diamond bracelet.

MARY

It's my mother's bracelet. **(She gets up and backs away.)**

HENRY

Anne… Mary… Let's talk about something more pleasant.

ANNE

I'm surprised your mother hasn't pawned it, if she's as broke as you've said.

MARY

She wouldn't… Not this, it's my inheritance.

ANNE

Inheritance? **(She gets up and moves towards Mary.)** Well, if you have that now, it would imply your mother was dead. When did she go?

HENRY

Anne! That's quite enough.

MARY

She wants my mother dead! You heard her!

ANNE

Katherine won't give me what's mine!

MARY

You sound like a spoiled child!

HENRY

Pot calling the kettle black, Mary.

MARY

You've taken enough from my family and I won't stand for it. You've corrupted my father and lead him down the path of sin. He's grown indifferent to my mother's suffering, getting you pregnant before the divorce was even finalized.

:: OOOOOH ::

MARY

When was the last time you or he went to church? You're going to corrupt Elizabeth too, I just know it.

ANNE

Why does everything with you always come back to religion? All Catholicism propagates is suffering.

HENRY

And we're still spiritual, Mary. I'm actually creating my own religion. Soon I'll be Supreme Head of the Church of… whatever I decide to name it.

MARY

 **(Dramatically falls onto the couch.)** Lord have mercy on your soul, Father. What has she done to you?

HENRY

I'd tell you, but I don't think you want those images in your head.

 **MARY crosses herself.**

:: LAUGHTER ::

MARY

Seriously Father… She's not a good woman. She's done horrible things.

ANNE

What are you going on about now?

MARY

I didn't want to say anything, but I have heard rumors that Anne is cheating on you.

ANNE

Not this again.

HENRY

What have you heard?

MARY

Just know that I'm only saying this because I don't want to see you hurt, Father. I was told that Anne is seeing other men, six of them.

ANNE

What is it with the number six? This is a load of…

HENRY

 **(Interrupting)** Where did you hear this?

MARY

Who I heard it from is not what's important.

ANNE

Not important? I don't even get a chance to defend myself against my accusers?

MARY

So you admit it?

ANNE

No! I've done nothing wrong.

HENRY

Well these accusation have to of come from somewhere.

MARY

Some of them are so bad I can't even bring myself to admit out loud. **(Two beats.)** I heard that Anne is sleeping with George!

:: SHARP GASP ::

ANNE

What!? Someone accusing me of sleeping with… I can't even! My own brother?

:: SHARP GASP ::

ANNE

Has everyone gone mad? Henry, you can't believe this!

HENRY

Six men, Anne?

ANNE

No! One. Just one: you! I am not cheating on you!

HENRY

But why would Mary lie?

ANNE

She said it was just hearsay. Someone is slandering me and you don't care.

HENRY

Of course I care. I want to know if this is true.

ANNE

It's not. I won't stand for this; I want you out of my house, you wicked girl!

MARY

Want's wrong, can't handle the truth?

HENRY

 **(HENRY wipes at his brow with his sleeve.)** If only there was a conveniently placed distraction to pull me out of the middle of this cat fight!

 **His phone rings.**

:: LAUGHTER ::

HENRY

 **(He picks up.)** Hello? Well, Jane Seymour, as I live and breathe, this is a surprise. What can I do for you, my dear? Your father and brothers want to discuss a new merger with me? Interesting. Well, you know what they say about the third time. **(He laughs).** Why yes,I would love to have a completely professional, no strings attached, business meeting over a late lunch. Next Tuesday at 3pm? I'll be there with bells on.

ANNE / MARY

Oh Henry!

:: LAUGHTER ::

ANNE

And I'm the one accused of cheating? Really?

 **Lights to half.**

VOICE OVER

Is Anne really cheating? Will Henry ever go back to church? Is he already looking for a new mistress? Also, where are Henry's cufflinks and will Mary give back the diamonds? And who will get their just desserts? All of this and more on next week's installment of "Oh Henry!"

 **Outro music: "Greensleeves" (Rock Version)**

 **Lights down.**

14


End file.
